the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
