how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
