Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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