I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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