Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
