I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
