are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
