Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
