No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
