Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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