even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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