New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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