FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
