Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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