she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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