I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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