Got a toothbrush?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
