This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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