u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
