Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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