Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
