you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
