my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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