planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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