So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
