My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
