Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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