There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
