Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize