that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
