Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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