I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You were trust falling into bushes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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