Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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