Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
