I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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