The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
