i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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