Pants 0. Shit 1.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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