I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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