Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
where are you?
Hypothermia
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
