I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
