shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
