Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
