Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
