a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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