Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
