If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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