Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
