i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
