from now on my penis is your penis
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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