she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
