Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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