So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
why is half of my head shaved?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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