you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
