2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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