i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
