***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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