i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
